MOVIE - The 13th Warrior AND Hawk the Slayer

Since this is the first ever Frihole Move Review, let’s kick things off with the following truth: The 13th Warrior is the greatest movie ever made. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor and put down your crack pipe, leave whatever mobile device you stole in order to access this page, and watch it. You’ll likely be able to find a copy on DVD at your local Walmart for somewhere in the ballpark of $5-$10. Don’t have $10? Then hurry up and turn a trick or sell some drugs to get some cash together. I’ll wait…

Now that you’ve watched it, I really don’t have to tell you why it’s the greatest movie ever made, because it’s so obvious that even a lobotomized Fox News anchor could figure it out. But, this IS a movie review, so for that sake alone, let’s review The 13th Warrior. So, what’s this movie all about? Well, it’s an adaptation of a book written by Michael Crichton (Eaters of the Dead) which is itself an adaptation of the epic poem Beowulf, the real Greatest Story Ever Told (take THAT, Baby Jesus!). Now, I know, I know… how can you take something as awesome as Beowulf and make it ever better, particularly after it’s been adapted twice? Well imagine that Crichton was a moonshine distillery. He takes all that Beowulf fruit, smashes it down, adds little extras, filters out the chunks, and ends up with a delicious novel, which carries all the tones of the source material but is inherently different and modernized. Now take that Eaters of the Dead moonshine and run it through the John McTiernan Filter, which is like a filter... made of bacon… that also drinks half your moonshine. So what are you left with? Half a cup of bacon flavored moonshine that will slake your thirst, knock you on your ass, and keep you wanting more. That’s The 13th Warrior.

So, why is this movie so awesome? Let’s start with the obvious: Vikings. Vikings are f***ing awesome. Also, Antonio Banderas was at his peak in this movie, following up Desperado and The Mask of Zorro, but before the horrible Spy Kids franchise. Even at his peak, Banderas still gets upstaged by Norwegian actor Dennis Storhoi, and even more so by Czech monster, Vladimir Kulich who plays Buliwyf (aka Beowulf). Kulich is amazing in every movie he’s in, but his performance as Buliwyf is glorious. Aside from the great characters and the source-material, this movie rules because it has all the elements: action, adventure, suspense, comedy, and even a love story. And if you don’t believe it has a love story, that’s just because you’re not being honest with yourself about how much you love Vladimir Kulich.

So, what’s the downside of this movie? I’ve heard it said that the movie is too short, or too choppy; that it should be more “epic”. Well, it’s true that there were production problems – McTiernan and Crichton did not see eye-to-eye on how the movie should be made and apparently squabbles were so bad they actually made Omar Sharif briefly retire from acting (and I’m not convinced that’s entirely a bad thing) and led to the movie being delayed for lots of reshoots. While I will agree with those that wish it were longer, that’s only because it’s so awesome, and not that I think there is anything wrong with the movie. The changes that Crichton pushed for (such as the soundtrack being done by Jerry Goldsmith) were all the right changes, but it is a shame that the longer version did not test well with screening audiences.

So, when should I watch this movie? All the time. Friday night? You don’t need to go out and find a date when you could be watching this movie. Sunday at church? Break out or iPad and stream that bitch. God will understand and if not, find a new God. Invite your girlfriend over to watch it, if she doesn’t like it, dump that hoe because she obviously has no taste. Let your children watch it, the violence will make them stronger and the good vs. evil story depicted in the film along with the perseverance of the main characters despite overwhelming odds might just instill some decent values in them that your horrible parenting skills missed. Eating, drinking, or dropping a deuce, there is nothing you can possibly be doing that won’t be made better by watching The 13th Warrior.

But wait, there’s more! The 13th Warrior might be the greatest movie ever made, but it must be stated that it would not exist without Hawk the Slayer. Indeed, nothing in this universe would exist without Hawk the Slayer. You might be thinking, “But I thought Hawk the Slayer was made in 1981, so what about all that stuff that occurred before then?” It’s true, the movie was released to the general public back in the early 80s, but it’s only a retelling of the true events leading up to the creation of the universe; right down to the bouncy ball firebolts and the silly string webs. Forget about Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad; the real prophet was Terry Marcel, who brought the good word of Hawk to the masses. None that make any sense to you? That’s ok, the movie won’t clarify either. Here’s my review of Hawk the Slayer.

So, what’s this movie all about? It’s a classic sword & sorcery movie from the 80s; hero has evil brother who is doing evil things, so hero assembles team of fantasy badasses (an elf, a dwarf, a giant, a witch, and even a one-armed man with a repeating crossbow) to stop said evil brother.

So, why should I watch this in place of all the other 80s sword & sorcery movies? As I mentioned before, this may be the only movie to boast glow in the dark bouncy balls and silly string as its special effects crowning achievements. Also, Jack f***ing Palance. No one can chew up dialogue like Jack, and he is at his line smashing best as Voltan the Dark One. This hidden gem is probably the best thing Jack Palance ever did and if that isn’t enough to make you watch it, I don’t know what is. Whereas Conan the Barbarian is the Citizen Kane of all 80s S&S, Hawk the Slayer is more like the Plan 9 From Outer Space; both are classic pieces of cinema to be thoroughly enjoyed.

So, do I need to be hammered to enjoy this? No. In fact, you’ll probably want to be sober so you can appreciate just how ridiculous this movie gets. You should, however, watch this movie with a group of people, so you can share the enjoyment and get your own Mystery Science Theater style commentary going. And actually, when you strip away the low-budget and some of the wooden (or at times over the top) dialogue, the movie is entertaining in its premise. (but it’s a must see for sword & sorcery fans)


 * Lo, There do I see my father. Lo, There do I see my mother, and my sisters, and my brothers. Lo, There do I see the line of my people back to the beginning. Lo, They do call to me. They bid me take my place among them, in the Halls of Valhalla, where the brave may live forever.


 * "Screeee!"-Swamp muppet.
 * "Screeee!" - Animated hawk
 * Then we shall see who is the Lord of the Dance! - Drogo